Heroes are Made in 'Murica
by blindsniper33
Summary: Remember that bald eagle that always follows you around when you climb really high buildings? Well, his name is Freedom. He eats the hearts of his enemies and defecates liberty. This is his story, this is his plight. Rated T for patriotism.


**A/N: **Well, I'm feeling overly-patriotic today, so enjoy this little piece of work. Oh, and don't be offended by this if you are British/Canadian/Basically just non-American. That's actually an, uh, order.

P.S. I suggest you play the song _America, F**k Yeah._

** Disclaimer: **I do not own Assassin's Creed.

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**Heroes are Made in 'Murica**

Freedom soared over the large, friendly, and AMERICAN town of Boston, one of the best cities in the world. Honest, righteous, and true American citizens roamed around the city streets, minding their business. British regulars dotted the streets, oppressing one of the most- no, the most powerful nation on the planet. A small portion of the city flew superior Continental flags, while a larger district still flew the disgusting British Union flag.

Freedom did not like this.

Flexing his all-American abs, he dove into a group of British redcoats. The soldiers cowered in fear over his liberty, begging to be cleansed of their vile ways. Freedom did not listen, for he knew that their deeds can never go unpunished.

"P-please, I don't want to die here! I have a family!" One uncultured soldier pleaded for Freedom's mercy before he ripped his British heart right out of his freakin' chest.

The disoriented soldiers continued to fire untrained, sporadic shots in hope to kill the bird. Freedom continued to tear through British flesh, killing dozens of redcoats at a time. Citizens began to form a circle around the on-going fight, cheering in the name of Freedom. Their inspirational cheers doubled Freedom's size, increasing his killing power and over-all coolness. A pair of sunglasses formed over his eyes as he began to use advanced martial arts to take out his foes.

"Why is America so awesome!?" Another soldier said, before promptly dying of AIDs.

The battle was growing in size, soon the entire city of Boston was engaged in bloody combat. British soldiers rushed into the city to aid the devil-spawn they called 'friends' and 'family.' The population of Boston, following Freedom's example, began to rebel against their oppressors. Freedom grew even bigger, he was no longer a 'Bald Eagle,' but he had grown a mullet with mutton chops. His feathers were covered by a jean jacket with the biggest collar you had ever seen.

"God save the Queen?" Freedom spoke with his newly-formed vocal cords. His voice was dark and cool like Batman combined with Wolverine times ten, "More like; you're gay," He kicked the skeleton right out of another redcoat as his pecks deflected several musket balls.

Freedom began to feast on a buffet of evil British hearts, only to have him increase in size and raw power. He was now double the size of an average human, towering at twelve feet over his enemies. He flew around the city, eating more soldiers and inspiring the colonists to continue fighting the British. Freedom let out a deafening screech, causing all of the redcoats' ear drums to explode, even the ones not in the New World.

Hunting for animals in the frontier like a barbarian, even Connor had heard the animal's screech. He tried to locate the source, only to find an eagle the size of a city block circling around Boston and spewing out flames. He furrowed a brow in confusion, but didn't put his hood up, 'cause you know. Being half Native American and half British, he could only understand life by fifty percent. He rushed to the town, partly out of his duty to the American people, and partly because he saw something shiny.

"Connor, is that you?" Freedom landed next to him, splitting the earth as his talon hit the ground, "Quick! We need your recruits to help the assault against the British soldiers!" Freedom explained.

Connor looked at Freedom, realis- realizing, with a 'Z', that it was the eagle that had been following him around, "My recruits? I'm sorry, but they are in Quebec."

"CANADA!?" Freedom exclaimed in disbelief, picking up Connor and putting him inside of an interior pocket on his jean jacket, "They are Americans!" He flew at super sonic speed to the uneducated Canadian city. He located the assassin recruits and put them in the rest of the pockets on his jacket.

"Wait! What about our targets!?" Duncan, one of the recruits, asked.

Freedom simply took his sunglasses off and split an atom by staring at it, "What targets?" He flew away from the nuclear blast, not looking back. He arrived back to Boston in less than half of a second.

"Oh, I'm a girl that somehow got trapped in this video game! Where's Ezio?" A random, fat, ugly, British woman screamed below. Freedom took no time, he drove his talons through her eyes and tore her in half.

"Well, baby," Freedom fixed his sunglasses, "Looks like..." His mind calculated over one million witty lines. However, he stayed silent, for if he said any of them, you'd die of pure epic.

"Hey! Set us down over there! By the-" Connor began to yell up to Freedom.

"The docks, I know," Freedom finished Connor's sentence and threw the assassins to the Boston docks so fast that it ripped a hole in time and space. Freedom repaired the hole with a swift punch to the space-time testicles.

Connor and his assassins began going to work as they began to kill off the remaining British soldiers. The Americans have had no casualties on their part, so everything was looking good for the Revolution. It _was _looking good.

The earth beneath everyone's feet began to crack, a massive hand gripped on the land to lift the being's body, "What the hell is going on!?" Connor screamed up to Freedom while he stabbed another redcoat.

The redcoat started manically laughing as Connor pulled his naval ax out of his chest, "You are... Finished!" He started laughing more.

Connor leaned in closer to the British soldier, "What do you mean?"

"King... George... He has arrived," The redcoat replied before dying.

As the soldier had said, King George III rose from the crack in the ground, looming over Boston, being even bigger than Freedom himself, "Where... Is... The bird!" King George roared towards the victorious citizens of Boston.

"Right here!" Freedom kicked King George in the side of the face with his mighty talon.

King George quickly recovered and grabbed Freedom by his neck, "You caused me a lot of trouble, little bird," King George's dark red eyes peered into Freedom's very soul, "Prepare to die!"

"Not so fast!" King George was repeatedly hit by modern rounds. Freedom looked up towards a figure using Leonardo's flying machine.

"George Washington! My true and honest American brother!" King George released Freedom from his grasp to focus his attack on Washington.

Freedom began to soar once more, "Washington! You came to help!" He yelled towards his new ally.

"Freedom always needs strong men behind it!" Washington yelled back, reloading his M-4, "Now let's kick his limey ass!"

Freedom nodded in agreement and charged King George head on. He delivered lightning-fast punches and kicks to his body. King George yelled in pain and tried swatting Freedom away, but failed miserably. King George began shooting laser beams out of eyes as the people of Boston cheered for an American victory.

"Freedom! We need to- Agh!" Washington's flying machine was hit by a laser beam and he was sent hurdling into the Atlantic ocean. Freedom dived after him and caught him right before he hit the water, "Whoa, great save, Freedom!" Washington congratulated him.

"Freedom will never let you down... _Mr. President_."

"What? President? Me?" Washington blushed, but Freedom nodded, "Oh stop it, you."

Freedom swiftly evaded the oncoming laser fire, "Now how about we stop this guy?"

"Wait Washington!" Connor threw his M-4 to Freedom who caught it in his beak.

Freedom gave Washington his gun, "I believe this is yours," Washington gladly took the weapon and began shooting at King George as they flew into battle. King George tried to grab the duo, but they were too quick. He roared in frustration over the two, Freedom noticed his oppressive, evil insides, "Washington! I need you to get off! I know how to defeat him!"

"Say no more, friend," Washington patted Freedom on his back, "We will never forget what you sacrificed today," He jumped off of Freedom, doing multiple back flips before landing in a pile of hay.

"Washington, what are you doing down here?" Connor approached him as he rose from the hay.

Washington turned to him and replied with, "Watching history unfold."

Freedom continued to evade everything King George had to throw at him. Everything from lasers and musket fire to bad teeth and boy bands, "Here goes everything..."

"You Americans are nothing to me! Your dreams of being happy will never come true!" King George roared to Freedom and the townsfolk down below.

Freedom screeched as he dove into King George's mouth and entered his stomach. He released all of his liberty, justice, and civil rights inside of King George. The King tried to contain all of the pure virtues inside of him, but ultimately had to release them himself. This resulted in an explosion that seemingly disintegrated the both of them.

The citizens of Boston cheered over the death of their enemy, yet mourned at the loss of Freedom. His jean jacket was the only thing that had survived the blast and was retrieved by Connor. Washington used the design of the patch on the back to created the fledgling nation's flag. With no American deaths, beside Freedom, the townsfolk sent the dead redcoats back to England via naval vessel carrying only dead bodies. How they arrived to England at all was pure luck.

The British Empire, without a capable ruler collapsed in thirty-two minutes. All of the territories and countries the empire had obtained quickly lost to the uprisings, as King George III could not appear anymore.

All of the inhabitants of the thirteen colonies celebrated Freedom's life, but did not mourn his death. For they knew that Freedom... Freedom never dies.

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**A/N: **...And that's how the American Revolution happened. Now, I hope you Brits aren't too offended, I have nothing against you. This was simply the setting of the newest Assassin's Creed.


End file.
